i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
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We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize