Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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