now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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