Will you blow on my dice?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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