Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
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do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
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Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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