no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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