why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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