my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
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I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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