he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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