respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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