When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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