I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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