omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
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How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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