she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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