I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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