There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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