this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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