i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize