8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize