You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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