it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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