If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize