insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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