found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize