so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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