I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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