I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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