Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize