Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize