I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
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I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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