his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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