Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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