I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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