I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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