dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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