He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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