It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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