whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
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My dad just said "fuck circus"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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