just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
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Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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