i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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