I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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