he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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