I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
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Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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