i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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