somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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