I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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