tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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