I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize