Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize