You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
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I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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